Baby Brother, Little Sister
by Hiccstrid
Summary: Rin wanted a little brother from the start; his mother had been he would have a little sister. He thought that he got what he had wanted. Until his mother proved right. [[ A oneshot about Kou Matsuoka and gender dysphoria told from her big brother's perspective.]]


**AN: I just want to state beforehand that the beliefs that Rin holds about gender roles throughout this fic, I do not share. Also, fair warning: Rin is going to be very confused and most likely offensive to some readers when it comes to Kou's dysphoria.**

**AU in which Kou still presented as male at a young age.**

**I just really want to apologize beforehand if you are trans or non-binary and feel offended by this, it was not my intention at all, and I only tried to do the best with this.**

* * *

Your parents had made you wait, and oh what a wait it was.

They knew what the new baby was going to be but every time you begged to know, they would tap your nose and say, "Not yet, baby, you'll see when it comes."

You were hoping for a brother. With all your heart, you wished and prayed that you would get a little brother. A sister would be okay but you didn't want one very much because girls were weird. Boys were strong and cool and if you got a brother, you could wrestle and swim and race and play in the dirt.

Girls didn't do that sort of thing.

It was an endless nine months, full of your parents buying things for the baby in such a way that you were never really sure if it was boy stuff or girl stuff. Nine of months of waiting, nine months of wishing, nine months of asking.

Finally the day came along.

You were in daycare, running a little car on plastic tracks by yourself. It was when the sun was starting to go down that Miss Hitomi came running to you, a broad grin on her face full small, spread out teeth.

"Oh Rin," she gasped, and for a second you thought that maybe you did something wrong. You glanced around, at the car in your hand, and then put your eyes back on her. There wasn't anything wrong around you, you hadn't seen anything gone wrong. Everything was perfectly normal, what was she gasping about?

"Up, up. Get your things, your father is here."

Well, that changed things. You jumped to your feet, a smile coming to your own face. "Thank you, Miss Hitomi," you exclaimed, dashing away to get your pack out of your cubby. You had to stand on your toes to reach it but you were independent and managed just fine. Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you dashed out of the little home, knocking over some kid's block house in the process.

You were too caught up to apologize though. Your dad was here! Which meant that your new brother was born! Well… you still hoped it was a brother. But your little sibling was born! So you ran outside and jumped into your father's arms, laughing into his shirt.

. . . .

The drive to the hospital was just as endless to the nine months preceding it. Every other minute you were either asking "Are we there?" or "Is it a boy?" Because those were the only to questions that mattered. The answers were the same every time. "No." "Just wait and see."

There was a smile to his face that made you feel pretty sure that it was a boy, but then again, your mommy had wanted a girl - had been so sure it was a girl -so maybe she'd gotten him really happy about it being a girl too. Upon reaching the hospital, your dad had to snatch you up to prevent you running off, and place you up on his shoulders. You just couldn't help being so restless and excited.

You were taken up to a room where your mother was resting, the television turned onto something you didn't care about too much, a bundle of blankets cradled in her arms.

"Is it a boy?" you asked loudly, squirming to get down from. You were met with shushes and you saw the baby begin to squirm in its swaddle. Your dad lets you off of his shoulders and you run over to look at the baby's face. It's got tufts of red hair like you and when it blinks its eyes open, they're red too. Just like you. "Is it a boy?" you ask again, just before it begins to cry. Your face falls when it does, shrinking back and moving away from the bed. You hadn't meant to make it cry.

As your mommy rocks the baby in her arms, she looks over to you and nods softly. Yes! You had a baby brother! Your wish came true!

. . . .

As time passed, you found your little brother to be much less fun than you thought he would be. He didn't like to wrestle. He didn't like to race. He didn't like to swim - much to your dad's disappointment as well. He tried to keep up, you noticed that; he would try and do the stuff you wanted to, but he didn't like it and quit too early and wasn't any good at it.

You still loved him, of course. He was your little brother. You'd just had a different picture of him when he still in your mommy's tummy. You'd come up with an idea of your brother, had great fantasies of all the good times you would have with him. When none of it came true, you were nothing short of disappointed.

. . . .

By the time you were six, your father had died, and your whole world had gone to pieces. Your little brother was hardly even a brother anymore - he still tried to be close, did everything he could to love you, but he was nothing like what you thought a brother would be. Or maybe it was just that you were pushing him away. But either way, you didn't like it.

"Maybe if you were a good son, he wouldn't have gone off and died!"

You know that you weren't being fair. That you were being irrational and terrible, but words just couldn't stop pouring out of your mouth in shouts, tears stinging your eyes but you forced them back, replacing them with more anger building inside of you. Gou didn't deserve to be treated like this and you knew it. Your little brother had done nothing wrong, he just wasn't what you'd pictured.

The two of you were standing at the shore of the beach, your little body shaking with rage and tears as you glared down at your brother. He was sprawled on the ground where you'd pushed him, crying and telling you to stop shouting at him, that what you were saying wasn't true.

"Maybe if you were a swimmer, he'd've liked you! If you didn't act like such a girl 'stead of a boy."

Then you ran. You hadn't meant any of it, but you couldn't just go back and say sorry. You'd had no reason to say anything that you did. Emotions had been building up inside of you since your dad's death, and you had unfairly released them all on your little brother. You left him there on the beach and went home, and when you did, your mom panicked and rushed to get him back home.

You didn't look at him for a long time after that. Like moms so often did, she made you apologize to Gou. You did. But it was half-hearted despite the fact that you were beating yourself up every day for saying such things to him.

. . . .

Your brother did act too girly for your liking. And he had been the lucky one who got the boy name! You didn't really know how to deal with it, though. You didn't like to participate when he'd dress up in your mom's clothes, mess around with her makeup. You would have much rather dress up in dad's clothes.

If you did that, however, Gou might want to play Mommy and Daddy and that was not something you wanted to risk. So you just spent your days getting more distant from your brother, occasionally trying to toughen him up. You tried to get him to swim, to race, to wrestle but he never wanted to. He just wanted to do stupid girly things.

And it got much worse after your dad died.

He didn't grow out of it, as you thought he would. Your dad's death didn't encourage him to act more like "the man of the house." That position clearly belonged to you, but you still thought that your brother may try and take it. You assumed that he didn't understand what he was doing wrong.

Maybe he didn't get that being a boy meant that you weren't supposed to act like a girl. He didn't understand that when you were a boy, you were supposed to do boy things. He wasn't supposed to pick out girl clothes when your mom took him shopping. And even worse, your mom was encouraging it! When he would pick out girly clothes or shoes, dolls instead of trucks, your mom would buy them for him! Didn't she know that he was supposed to act like a boy?

As he got older, you noted that he wasn't as comfortable buying the girl stuff. It made you happy, because after all these years, Gou was finally understanding what it meant to be a boy. He was starting to buy boy's clothes. He didn't really play with toys anymore, but at least he was buying boy clothes.

However, as he started to fit more into the image you wanted him to, he also started to shut himself out more. You didn't get to wrestle, swim, and race with him like you wanted to, even though he was acting and dressing more like a boy now.

. . . .

One day, after you'd moved to Australia, you had gone to his room to see if he'd taken something of yours, and you caught him crying.

But he wasn't just crying, he was looking in the mirror and crying. He was eleven, you were thirteen, and so of course you knew about low self-esteem - that's all you thought it was. You had some issues with it yourself, you were kind of a crier. You never stood in front of a mirror shirtless and just cried though..

You took one look at him before turning and leaving as quickly as you could. You could be a brother, you knew that. You just… didn't know how to talk to Gou. You'd spent so much time being anything but close that it was hard to talk to him. You loved him, of course you did, you just… didn't know what to say to him.

. . . .

It had been the next year that Gou approached you for the first time in who knew how long? Gou had decided that he was going to grow his hair long and now it fell around his shoulders. He looked so feminine, but he still wore his boy clothes so you thought that he was out of his girly stage. The long hair was just another phase that he was going to go through.

The day you had seen Gou cry had been pushed far back in your mind, but not forgotten. You still understand why your brother was crying, much less what he was crying about, or why he was looking at himself as he did. You only knew that he had been crying and you felt beyond awkward about it.

Your mother was out working and as your brother approached you, he seemed so nervous, scared even. His hands shook as he took you by the forearm, and brought you to the couch, sitting you down.

"Big brother," he started, sighing and averting his gaze. He was still standing, as if ready to run if he needed to. Maybe he was still worried about what had happened all those years ago, when you'd shoved him around for no reason. Except now it seemed that he might have a reason for you to go after him. "There's something.. really important I need to.. talk to you about."

Giving him a suspicious look, you nodded and settled back into the couch, pulling a pillow into your lap to hold and lean over a little as you watched him intently. It had been a long time since the two of you had a civil conversation, any real interaction. It was nice. You just wish it didn't have to be under circumstances that seemed important. You wished that you and your brother could just… talk. Because you were brothers.

Still, if Gou needed to talk to you, then you would listen.

"If-f… you could.. call me Kou. From now on…" He stopped and looked anywhere but at you, his hands bunching up his shirt at his stomach. "Please."

There's a long pause, a moment of uncomfortable, tense, terrible silence where neither of you speak. You're trying to put together what he was saying in your mind, and he was staring at you, with all the terror of the world in his eyes.

"Kou's… a girl's name.." You finally said after what was probably equal to forever. You still didn't understand, how oblivious you were at the time. That was all you said, though. The statement that Kou was a girl's name. Not a single word about your brother.

"Yes…" Gou (Kou?) paused again, seeming to hope that you were putting the pieces together. When you only gave a confused look in response, he heaved a heavy sigh. "I would also appreciate it if.. if you could…" Kou looked… ashamed? Scared? Maybe even relieved. "Call me… your sister. Uh, she. Her. All of that."

There's an even heavier silence that surrounded the both of you after that was said. Kou suddenly took a step back as if he… she was afraid of what you'll do. You didn't know what to do. Maybe your brother.. sister.. was just kidding around?

You stood suddenly and Kou stumbled back. You knew that you were much taller, more intimidating, but you never meant to scare your.. sibling. "Are you serious?"

Kou looked as if she were about to cry once you said that, as if all of her expectations of what you would do were shattered. Any positive expectations anyway. She sniffled and turned her head away, shoulders hunching up. "Yes.."

Well… There was nothing you could really do about it. And.. if Kou wanted to be a girl, you couldn't stop her. You loved your sister. It was going to take you some time to get used to, you knew that, but you weren't just going to push away the kid you'd loved for twelve years now.

"C'mere," you insisted, opening your arms. You weren't a particularly affectionate guy, not towards your brother anyway. But you didn't have a brother anyway, you had a sister. A sister that you were going to care for, that you were going to protect and be there for. You hadn't done that for your brother, but you were going to change that.

She moved forward slowly, shuffling towards you until you just grabbed her and pulled her against you, hugging her tightly. It was the first genuine hug you'd shared with your sibling in a long time, and she so enthusiastically hugged back. Her face buried into your shoulder, shaking and crying softly against you.

Her chest was flat, there was a lump in her throat, a bulge in her pants. She still looked like your brother, but you could help her. You were going to do what you could for your sister, make her feel how she wanted, make her look how she needed, make her feel like a sister after treating her like your brother for so many years.

You were going to fix that.

The excitement of having a little brother at two years old was suddenly replaced by the excitement of having a little sister at fourteen.

You were going to make up for what a terrible brother you'd been.

And you were going to help your sister make up the time she'd spent thinking she had to be a good one.


End file.
